If a Dog Were Your Teacher, You Would Learn Stuff Like…

Andy A. Felder, Chief Editor at CREST Network

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps. Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you’ve had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

And, finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.

Life is Backwards

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough enough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it? DEATH! Personally, I think the life cycle is backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live in an old folks’ home. You get kicked out when you’re too young. Then you get a gold watch. You go to work. You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to trade school, then you become a kid and you play with no responsibilities. You become a little baby. Back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating and then … you finish off as an orgasm.

Things I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, but it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age.

A CD was a bank account.

And, if you had a 3-inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file.

And if you unzipped anything in public

You could end up in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to a fire.

A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut – you did with a pocketknife.

Paste – you did with glue.

A web was a spider’s home.

And a virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head.

       I hear no-one’s been killed in a computer crash

       But when it happens, they wish they were dead!

Deep Thoughts About Money

It can buy a house… but not a home. It can buy a bed…  but not sleep.  It can buy a clock… but not time. It can buy you a book… but not Knowledge. It can buy you a position… but not respect.  It can buy you medicine… but not health It can buy you blood… but not Life.  I It can buy you sex… but not love. So you see, money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So, send me all your money and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE.

Read All Articles from MAR/APR 2022 Issue