Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Administration
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
To assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will; be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you believe that you have not received your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your administrator. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our administrators are especially skilled in seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will be required to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Because our administrators took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore; they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a position training others. We can add your name to the BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.) Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
First Grade Proverbs
A first-grade teacher assembled a group of well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to complete it. Here are some of their insights:
Better to be safe than…….. punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the…….. bug is close.
It’s always darkest before…….. Daylight Saving s Time.
Never underestimate the power of…….. termites.
Don’t bite the hand that…….. looks dirty.
No news is…….. impossible.
A miss is as good as a…….. Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new……. math.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…… stink in the morning.
Love all, trust……. me.
The pen is mightier than the……. pigs.
An idle mind is…….. the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s…….. pollution.
A penny saved is…….. not much.
Two’s company, three’s…….. the Musketeers.
Don’t put off ‘til tomorrow what…….. you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and…….. you’ll have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as…….. Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not…….. spanked.
If at first you don’t succeed…….. get new batteries.
You get out of something what you…….. see pictured on the box.
Better late than…….. pregnant.
Thinking Out Loud
I started out with nothing… I still have most of it.
I finally got my head together. Now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
All reports are in—life is now officially unfair.
If all is lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: if you’re in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, but I only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stops here. I could use a few….
Kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
