My Birthday
Yesterday was my birthday… and I didn’t feel very well. Waking up, I went downstairs for breakfasthoping my wife would be cheerful and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’ and possibly have a small present for me.As it turned out, she barely said ‘Good Morning’,let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’ Well, that’s marriage for you, I thought. But the kids… they’ll remember.
My kids came bounding down the stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office,I felt pretty lowand somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office,my secretary Jane said,”Good morning, Boss,and happy birthday!” I felt a little better. At least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, “It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch – just you and me?” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.”
We went to lunch… but not where we normally would go. Instead, she chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…. we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”
“I guess not. What do you have in mind?”, I asked.
She said, ”Let’s drop by my apartment. It’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ”Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay”, I replied nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, came out carrying a huge birthday cake… and followed by my wife, my kids, and two dozen of my friends and co-workers… all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there…on the couch. Naked.
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Memorandum to All Staff
From: Human Resources
Re: Updates to the Employee Handbook
Implementation: Immediate
SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you’re able to go to the doctor, you’re able to come to work.
OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all the parts that you have. Do not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is not an excuse for missing work. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to death arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as it is your responsibility to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose last names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10; employees whose last names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your assigned time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employees’ supervisors.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross Pay $1,222.02
Income Tax -244.40
Outcome Tax -45.21
State Tax -11.61
Interstate Tax -61.10
County Tax -6.11
| City Tax | -12.22 |
| Rural Tax | -4.44 |
| Back Tax | -1.11 |
| Front Tax | -1.16 |
| Side Tax | -1.61 |
| Up Tax | -2.22 |
| Down Tax | -1.11 |
| Tic-Tacs | -1.98 |
| Thumbtacks | -3.93 |
| Carpet Tacks | -0.98 |
| Stadium Tax | -0.69 |
| Flat Tax | -8.32 |
| Surtax | -3.46 |
| Ma’am Tax | -2.60 |
| Parking Fee | -5.00 |
| No Pkg Fine | -10.00 |
| F.I.C.A. | -81.88 |
| T.G.I.F. Fund | -9.95 |
| Life Ins. | -5.85 |
| Health Ins. | -16.23 |
| Disability | -2.50 |
| Ability | -0.25 |
| Liability Ins. | -3.41 |
| Dental Ins. | -4.50 |
| Mental Ins. | -4.33 |
| Reassurance | -0.11 |
| Coffee | -6.85 |
| Coffee Cups | -66.51 |
| Calendar | -3.06 |
| Floor Rental | -16.85 |
| Chair Rental | -0.32 |
| Desk Rental | -4.32 |
| Union Dues | -5.85 |
| Union Don’ts | -3.77 |
| Cash Advances | -0.69 |
| Cash Retreats | -121.35 |
| Overtime | -1.26 |
| Undertime | -54.83 |
| Eastern Time | -9.00 |
| Central Time | -8.00 |
| Mnt Time | -7.00 |
| Pacific Time | -6.00 |
| Bath Time | -4.44 |
| Time Out | -12.21 |
| Oxygen | -10.02 |
| Water | -16.54 |
| Heat | -51.42 |
| Air | -46.83 |
| Misc | -144.38 |
Take Home Pay $0.02
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Instructions For Life
1. Consider that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Call your mother.
20. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
