Cooking – Fireless
Cars – Keyless
Food – Fatless
Dress – Sleeveless
Youth – Jobless
Leaders – Shameless
Relationships – Meaningless
Attitudes – Careless
Babies – Fatherless
Feelings – Heartless
Education – Valueless
Children – Mannerless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
Our Politicians are WORTHLESS!
And I’m scared Shitless!
Only in This Crazy World
Only in this crazy world ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in this crazy world ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in this crazy world……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in this crazy world……do banks leave vault doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in this crazy world ……do we have to buy hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight.
Only in this crazy world ……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Ever Wonder Why?
…the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin.
…you never see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery.’
…’abbreviated’ is such a long word
…doctors call what they do ‘practice.’
…lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons.
…the person who invests all your money is called a broker.
…the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour.
…there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food.
…Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes.
…they sterilize the needle for lethal injections.
… they don’t make the whole plane out of the same stuff as the nearly indestructible data-recorder black box.
…sheep don’t shrink in the rain. ️
…they’re called ‘apartments’ when they’re all stuck together.
…if ‘con’ is the opposite of ‘pro’, isn’t ‘congress’ the opposite of ‘progress.’ ️
…if flying is so safe, why do they call the ‘airport’ the ‘terminal.’
The First Time
It’s your first time. As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle, like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him; he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you, and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way. Pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looked at you, concerned, and asks if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill, but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and, smiling warmly, tells you with a chuckle that you’ve been his most stubborn, yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty. What were you thinking?
Please set this part off by color, or lines, or font, or some other means.
Please Read This!
(On A Serious Note)
There are several changes we want to point out for your reading enjoyment.
- The Blueprint and Masthead pages have been redesigned for the print edition.
- Professionals on the Move will only appear in the web edition of the publication.
- Diversions and Vertical Lines will only appear in the print/pdf edition.
- Herstory and History will only appear in the print/pdf edition.
As our circulation and geographical bases grow, you will notice other enhancements, but we wanted to make sure you can always find your favorite sections.