A Woman’s Random Thoughts

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, “Sometimes I just forget to eat.” You know—I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, my keys—but I’ve never forgotten to eat. You must be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids, but she doesn’t give a damn.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative… but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen, bitch… do it and die.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men spend thinking.