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These are the ‘Vertical Lines’ that appear in the gutters of the pages in the flipbook version of the July-August 2022 edition of the network.

 

The word ‘umbrella’ was going to be just ‘brella’ but the inventor of the word hesitated.              

My dad told me his password is ‘MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one capital.

My psychology professor asked if we had heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed. I’m way too witty for this class.

A met a really hot girl who was half Japanese and half Philippino. I think I ruined it by calling her Jalapeño.

Q: What happened when 50 got hungry?   A: 58

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist? A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Why I love Spanish: I. Mi papá tiene 47 años. (My dad is 47 years old.) 2. Mi papa tiene 47 anos. (My potato has 47 assholes.)

I got called ‘pretty’ today. Well, the full statement was ‘you’re pretty annoying,’ but I try to focus on positive things.

She: “Nothing rhymes with orange.”  He: “No it doesn’t.”

 

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me.

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don’t listen and something else….

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

 I thought growing old would take longer.

 I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back.  Now I have no idea what’s going on.

 The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed…. I need bail money.

 Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

I don’t trust English. Why is it that “give her book is correct, yet give him book is incorrect? Is English female?

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

DOCTOR: “Your body has run out of magnesium.” ME: OMG!

I am a nutritional overachiever…but I am having an out of money experience.

If there was a pill to cure procrastination, I’d probably take it tomorrow.

Novak Djokovic is the first player to be knocked out of a Grand Slam tournament after missing only two shots.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed; we’re having a staff meeting.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

She: “Do you play any sports?” He: “I run away from my feelings.”

I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

 My dream job would be driving the karma bus. 

I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow I’ll try a grape.

I hate sex in the movies. Only tried it once, and the seat folded up.

Q: How is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? A: It won’t work, and you can’t fire it. 

I went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Lifeguard noticed and blew his f**king whistle so loud, I almost fell in.

 I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

 If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.  

ME: “Can I go to the bathroom?” TEACHER: “It’s may.” ME: “No, It’s February.”

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ Their so stupid.

A little boy killed a butterfly. His father said, “No butter for one week.’ Then the little boy killed a honeybee, and his father said, ‘No honey for one week.’ Then his mom killed a cockroach, and the little boy turned to his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, or should I?

I waved to a man because I thought he had waved at me. Apparently, he’d waved to another woman. So, to get out of the awkward situation, l kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I’m now in Poland starting a new life.

Honestly, it’s not the wav l look that reveals my age. Its mv use of complete sentences when I text.

I love how the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.

He: “I started seeing someone. She: “As in dating or hallucinations?”

I love how the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.

Shoutout to the person who created the word ‘plethora.’ It means a lot.

There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator. (Only a fraction of people will find that funny.)

________

These are the ‘Vertical Lines’ that appeared in the gutters of the pages in the flipbook version of the May-June edition of the network.

 

I asked my husband if I was the only one he had ever slept with.  He said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

 I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant.  A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be right.”

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of….it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you.  I took her to Subway.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer?  I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test – Same thing.

If you think you are old, you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be…delusional.

You’re not fat; you’re just easier to see.

I refused to believe father, the road worker, was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.

 

PMS jokes are not funny — period!

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” (Steve Martin)

I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling! 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

So, apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

Good men are found in every corner of the Earth. Unfortunately, the Earth is round.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.

 

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Remember, it’s not what you do… it’s what you get away with.

Q: What do you call a Russian procrastinator? A: Putinitoff.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.

 

 

 

These are the ‘Vertical Lines’ that appeared in the gutters of the pages in the flipbook version of the March-April edition of the network.

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Making a smoking section in a restaurant is like making a peeing section in a swimming pool.

“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’” – Eleanor Roosevelt

No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.” – Mark Twain

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in … what happens to the other penny?

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending— and to have the two as close together as possible.” – George Burns

“Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge

“Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.” – Alex Levine

The cardiologist’s diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

3 Religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” – Rodney Dangerfield

No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

 Allow me to introduce my selves

Old age comes at a bad time.

Q: How do you get holy water?  A: You boil the hell out of it.

“Money can’t buy you happiness … but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” – Spike Milligan

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was “SHUT UP.” – Joe Namath

God is dead. – Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. – God

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?  A: A stick.

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” – W. C. Fields

“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.” – Winston Churchill

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?  A: Subordinate Clauses

“Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.” – Phyllis Diller

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” – Billy Crystal

Q: What goes ‘clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop clop? A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside, and he thinks that’s the way it works.

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Lifeguard noticed and blew his f**king whistle so loud, I almost fell in.

 

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