---

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynecologist firmly believes I am.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is. He took me to my house.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car, and she wants me to drive.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

Group sex? Are you kidding? I had group sex – my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. ~

I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘No”.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I was making love to my wife the other night. When I looked up, she was on the phone.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional—the knife had butter on it.

Boy what a hotel that was! They stole my towel!

I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My wife and I have Olympic sex—once every four years.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. When I dropped my pants, she dropped her price.

The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My golf game is getting really good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.

We were so poor; in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn’t see the mouse trap.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

I told my wife a man is like wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.

I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man, and they want truth.

At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bull’s eye on the back.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes—in case one of us dies.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, “Quick—out the window.”

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.

When I was a kid, we were so poor that if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

Do you remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different. When I open the door, the kids hand me candy.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “Don’t tell the butcher,”

My wife gives good headache.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand, and she lit it.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody’s fingers.

I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies fix our screens.

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.   

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My cousin’s gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

We sleep in separate rooms. We have dinner apart. We take separate vacations. We’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.