Smiles, Laughs, Chortles & Snorts

Copyright© CREST Network

Posted: May 2, 2022

Home » Smiles, Laughs, Chortles & Snorts

Leave ‘Em Laughing

I dialed a number and got the following recording: 
“I am not available right now but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I don’t return your call, you are one of those changes.” 
                   

My wife and I had words… but I didn’t get to use mine. 
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. 

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere. 


Stranded on a Deserted Island

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small, deserted island. There were only 3 survivors—2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years passed, and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So,………………………. they buried her.


Salary Increase Request

One day an employee sent an email to his boss requesting a salary increase.

Dear Bo$$ –

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to the company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

$incerely Your$,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this email in reply:

Dear NOrman –

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
EleaNOr NOttingham, Manager



Retirement

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young students how they had spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

“We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house. But Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don’t know who they are. They go to a big building called a ‘wrecked hall’, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it’s alright now. They play games and do exercise there, but they don’t do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don’t remember how to swim. As you go into their park, there’s a dollhouse with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks. They just eat out. They eat the same thing every night called “early birds”. Some of the people are so retarded they don’t know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it “pot luck”.

My Grandma, says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment I wish they’d move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won’t let them out.”


Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.

AT WORK…You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…You get three meals a day.

AT WORK…You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK…You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK…You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK…You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…You get your own toilet.

AT WORK…You have to share.

IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK…You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK…You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK…You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…You deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK…They are called supervisors.

TRENDING

Upcoming Supertall Buildings (March/April 2022 Issue)

Buildings that reach over 980 feet tall are classified by the Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat as supertall skyscrapers. Since the Chrysler Building in New York became the world's first supertall skyscraper in 1930, over 170 supertalls have been built...

Emmy Award-Winning Journalist Battles Through Covid

The last two years have transformed almost every aspect of our lives. Almost overnight, Zoom meetings became the new norm. Most people worked remotely. Shopping online became the norm, even for groceries. Our friends, family, colleagues, and communities have had their...

A Collection of Helpful and Interesting Information

You Need (or might want) to Know Time Zone Bridge Have you ever thought about how strange our time zones are? When you’re traveling long distances, changing time zones can really get confusing. Idaho is one of about a dozen states that has multiple time zones. The...

Articles You May Also Like

35 Properties on the World Heritage List are in Mexico

35 Properties on the World Heritage List are in Mexico

This is the second installment in which we bring these world treasures to our readers country by country. See the March-April issue for the World Heritage Sites in the United States. Each of the hyperlinks will take you to more information. The United Nations...

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

The United States Post Office began its Parcel Post service for fourth-class mail on January 1, 1913. Almost anything could be mailed parcel post, including day-old chicks, baby alligators, and honeybees. Only items that could be dangerous to handle could not be sent...

A new study reveals the best cities for renters in the US

A new study reveals the best cities for renters in the US

The Best Cities in the US for Renters New research conducted by Living Cozy looked at the average rent for a two-bedroom property the average wage, the cost of living rating, the amount of green space and parks and rent control legislation. The study combined it into...

Share This