Andy Rooney (1919 – 2011) was an American radio and television writer, most notable for his weekly broadcast “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney,” a part of the CBS’s program 60 Minutes from 1978 to 2011. His final regular appearance on 60 Minutes aired October 2, 2011; he died one month later. A few of his classic lines:

• I’ve learned… that love, not time, heals all wounds.
• I’ve learned that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
• I’ve learned that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
• I’ve learned that just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
• I’ve learned that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
• I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
• I’ve learned that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
• I’ve learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
• I’ve learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you… More
• I’ve learned that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
• When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
• Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
• Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
• Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
• The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
• I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
• Teachers who have plugged away at their jobs for twenty, thirty, and forty years are heroes. I suspect they know in their hearts they’ve done a good thing, too, and are more satisfied with themselves than most people are. Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.                                                                        
• Small daily happenings make life spectacular…. start enjoying the small things in life!
• Being kind is more important than being right.
• Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
• People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
• If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
• Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• I can’t choose how I feel. But I can choose what I do about it
• Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others.
• Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by their government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they’ll be okay if they’re left alone.
• It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
• I’d be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn’t believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other, but I don’t think it does.
• Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
• I’d like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off.
• Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Andy Rooney On Sex

(Reader discretion is advised.)

• When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember which I chose.
• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
• A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
• Impotence is nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
• There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
• Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 
• There are three stages in a man’s life – Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 
• Virginity can be cured. 
• Virginity is not dignity; it’s lack of opportunity.
• Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 
• I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 
• Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 
• Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
• A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
• Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?  Answer: Life sucks. Job sucks. Wife doesn’t. 
• Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes. 
• Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!